The Order of the Crutch

Okay, today’s subject i am going to talk here is quite important. Which means it’s quite controversial too.

I will proclaim my usual statements when i talk about this subject so that some sorry ass punk cannot grade me as a RSS/VHP fanatic or a Hindu extremist.

I studied in an Anglo-Indian (Christian) school all my life with the exception of high school. I went to a Roman Catholic College (Loyola) and most of my friends from my childhood are Anglo Indians. Some of my closest friends in the present day are Anglo Indians / Christians too.

So before you label me as an anti Christian and an extremist, halt. Verify the credibility of this information about my childhood and logically analyze the facts i have given here. Arguments are welcome but let it be scientific and logical; bullshit will be rewarded with the same.

So now that you have kind of figured out that i am going to talk about Christians or Christianity let me break your anxiety by saying its neither! I’m going to talk about “Christian Conversion Activities” in India.

I will break this up in 3 parts for your understanding…

1. The background and context in which the Christianity comes to India in the 20^th century and the present 21^st century
2. The current conversion activities and the methodologies practiced and used.
3. How to avoid a missionary, what questions to ask and how the defend your faith.

Of course I will do all of this with a personal touch and incidents and examples from my own life. Why? Because I can speak best for myself and not for anyone else, fair enough? I guess so.

Note: Hindu fanatics need not make use of this opportunity to get friendly with me, I am a hardcore atheist and I will have the same amount of courtesy and bias towards Hinduism and Islam.

So what the heck makes me an expert on this topic? Very simple, i have been the target of every other Tom, Dick and Harry missionary in town from the days of my childhood to the latest one being day before yesterday, a call from some Wiesel at 2 in the night preaching about Jesus Christ the savior of my sorry broken ass.

The Background

So why am i the target of these missionaries? Simple fact is i am physically challenged and the first thing they see in that is a sign of weakness. Obvious they think i would convert with a little bit of persuasion and lure of things and money, yeah right!

Back in my good old school days I was preached over and over again by the Christian school that Jesus is the only god and that there is no other god. Come out of school you have these prayer houses which have posters all over the place stating up front that all Hindu gods are variations of the devil or so called saiton.

Funny that .89 billion Hindus don’t have one bad thing to say about these Christian missionaries that propagate nothing but hatred and religious extremism in the neighborhood. Perhaps it’s too much of this tolerance nonsense that is becoming to be more of cowardice even though Hinduism is being butchered everyday by the people and the system in India.

Firstly let me start off by saying that Christianity is dying, hell yes. If you don’t believe me well good for Christianity but it make not an ounce of difference. The amount of funds that the Vatican is getting everyday is coming down and the base for Christianity and Christian priests is declining by the day. Hang on; this is not some bullshit I am ripping off your spine but from the pope himself.

According to Pope Benedict, “there is no longer evidence in the western world for a need of God, even less of Christ.”

Satisfied? Still don’t believe me, read the news baby, its there for you to gulp, unfortunately!

For a more detailed article see here.

So back on our topic, what happens when the western world is too expensive for them to afford themselves? They outsource, which is precisely why they come to third world countries like India and Africa etc.,

Making more crowd base for the Christian community is easier here because Indians are still under the grip of religion to a major extent and we do not accept things like science and reasoning when placed on par with religion. Obviously it’s easy to convince the uneducated masses in India that Christianity is their solution to all of the problems they have with Hinduism. It’s a fair deal since Hinduism lacks one component which every other religion and community in the world is better at. Unity, period. We are divided by so many castes, languages and communities and innumerable barriers that by the time we try and spread a message of unity it is often misinterpreted by someone down the chain, much like the Chinese whisper game.

Starting with the early 19^th century and long before that the British invasion and rule the smartest thing that the Vatican managed to do is establish strong grounds on the educational front of the country by establishing schools and colleges which now blatantly misinterpret Hinduism as a “Caste System” based religion that discriminates people and how the rich Brahmin priests have fun while the Dravidians and lower caste people suck for a days meal. To a minor extent this is true but majority of the stuff is misinterpreted anyways. So now all you got to do is preach the goodness of Christianity as half the job (demonizing Hinduism) has already been done by education.

Let’s move on…

How Stuff works?

No missionary or preacher in your account will approach someone like Tata Birla or forget Tata Birla; they would not approach a candidate like me who makes a few lakhs of rupees per annum in a software company, well educated with a decent financial and social background. Why? Because conning people like us is not a joke neither does sentimental blackmail work with us, unless of course again you are like me, a physically or mentally challenged person with a staunch sign of weakness and regression.

For a good example on what kind of dubious methods Missionaries use to convert people look here but we will move on with my account right away.

Usually I get approached by an ordinary person who is a Christian like you and me and they try and tell me that I have hope in life (as if I told them I have lost it!) and that I can be cured! They promise me of miracles and give me countless no. of miracles and instances and evidence as to how people like me have been cured. When I put up an argument then comes the part which is the killer weapon.

They lure me, they start making statements like “I know deep inside that you want something which we can give” sort of stuff. Usually what they indicate by this is two things, its most of the time money and in rare instances sex. Yep, I have been offered that too, great sex if I would come pray at a church. No kidding, one important thing to note here is they will never ever talk about Christianity or conversion here at any given point of time.

I have been to churches (to the b
est of my knowledge) at least 50 or a 100 times on the invitation of close friends and teachers or principals or any acquaintance I would have made. Now here is where the strategy lies. Just like in marketing the front runner generates the lead and passes it on to the big guys who do the selling when you go to these churches you would have a big guy. Occasionally this guy might be a father (priest/vicar) but most of the time it’s the person you are most comfortable with and this guy will be the most famous guy, say for example like a guitarist for the church band or a keyboard player whom usually fascinate people with their humor and artistic capabilities. They for sure know that nothing sells like art does and that its easy to talk to people at a personal level using art than any other form of communication, especially children and people with conditions like physical disabilities or personal problems.

So usually you would find someone who is like quite comfortable to talk with and this person would be the one who will start the topic of being regular to a the church or the prayer group. Then you start going to the place when one fine day out of the blue they will give you an English name, which is when you start to think something is so ridiculously funny about the whole setup. I usually refrain from attending the prayer meetings or the gospel concerts at this point of time and then comes the good friend starry guy from the place who tries and figure out what’s wrong. As soon as he figures out that you have potentially lost interest in this religion shit he starts with the emotional blackmail.

It’s usually the story of how I deserve to be born as a physically challenged person and how much I have sinned (yes, he made a note of all my sins in a Microsoft excel worksheet right from my birth) and how Jesus can relieve me and how pathetically the Hindu gods have failed to help me all this while. If this shit does not work then comes lure of money and a “Comfortable” living with support and help of the community. The final resort is the guy tries to change the topic and tries to find out what you want to do with life etc., kind of bullshit. Obvious that at some point in time I would have talked about things like what I expect in a girlfriend/wife with one of these folks in a very casual conversation like you do with the friends you trust.

At this point of time the guy usually walks away and a girl replaces the advisor position. Usually there is physical contact. Okay, shut up u perverts not that kind of physical contact! A hug, a kiss on the cheek, teary talks of how wonderful a person I am and how much everybody loves me (usually she quotes the names of all the prettiest babes in the church or prayer committee with whom I would have hanged out/flirted around with) and misses me at the place. How it’s not anymore fun without me and a whole load of emotional shit no rational woman would talk to me. Being the person that I am I very well know that the least possibility of a woman getting so emotional with me is like a one is to a million chances. If at all that happens it would be a close friend and for a different, genuine reason. Nevertheless they talk of things like how pretty Hindu (Brahmin is a more appropriate word) women wear crappy clothes and are only after money and wont care a shit about my sorry lame ass and would never marry me but Christian women (like the ones in the church or prayer group) are really genuine loving and caring. In the worst case scenario the last attempt resort would be a threat of the world coming to an end by 2000 and I better convert since Christ is going to kill all non believers (I thought he was supposed to be a resort of kindness and love and forgiving!) anyways.

Luckily that shit did not happen and this 2000 year crap has now for some unfortunate dumb reason become 2020, 2010, 2015 and 2008 according to whatever church or group that preaches it.

Rebuttals, the goodies part!

Why am I doing this? I know how painful it is to waste time. The most irritating way to waste time is someone trying to preach you shit they don’t practice themselves and you trying to get yourself out of the situation in vain. Seriously, getting out of an argument with a missionary is a pain! They know their stuff and they have done their homework well, so we better be prepared. If you want to get out of a situation you have to talk your way out of it, just like how you avoid an insurance agent or that friend of yours who wants you to join Amway!

Here are simple pointers that will be helpful…

1. Dan Brown is your fucking god! If you have not read the “Da Vinci Code” you better do it now! Tell the missionary that you have read the Da Vinci Code and the “Angels and Demons” and that Jesus was a good political leader but no son of god shit. This will set them on the back foot, once you are on the offensive there is no turning back and the missionary is going to shit his pants! As you already know offense is the best form of defense.
2. Tell them you are an atheist even if you are not one. They know very well atheists are rock solid nuts to crack than religious people and will eventually be more cautious. When you are unrealistically cautious you fuck up, which is precisely what you will do.
3. Start preaching Hinduism (if you are a Hindu) or Islam (if you are a Muslim) or your religion (if you are religious, whatever you belong to, Jews, Jains…) this will irritate anyone. It’s like trying to sell an insurance policy to a door salesman who came to sell you a vaccum cleaner. Double Jeopardy!
4. There are loads of shit you can talk about the bible, pick controversial statements like where the bible says (Old Testament) its “ok to sell your daughter into slavery” and “disobedient children can be stoned to death”. If they tell you the New Testament is the IN THING and nobody cares about the old one, well be happy. They just walked into their grave because the New Testament has better shit on it than the old man!
5. Current Research says that the New Testament contradicts itself 143 times! I LOVE YOU bible, LOL (like I love you rasna, ad!) now that’s some cooked up shit and god did not order the bible to be written. For a list of all contradictions check here. Bring this up and your missionary is going to cry for help.
6. The name of the game is about saving your pride and your point of view. Never give it up, provide straightforward and simple scientific reasoning and stress your missionary to respond with the same logical reasoning. He can’t do it on the next 5000 years, forget today and tomorrow. For example ask how can Noah load all 100 billion species of plants and animals in one ship (bible says it’s a boat, damn!) at a time. First the whole “two of every animal male and female”. How could that be possible, not only is it a pain to gather up EVERY animal, but two of each sex. What comes from this is how this is possible. How long would it take a group of 100 people today to do that? He was one man. Now let’s say that the animals just mystically all came on there own. How did he feed them? How did he know what animals were coming and what they ate? I read something about not being able to eat animal flesh back then so what would Noah do for the animals that ate flesh. Where did he get all this food from what happened if Noah missed some animals, they must be extinct now? Maybe some of the animals died upon the ark and n
   ow are gone completely. Did he bring every breed of every species? So he brought every type of every animal….wow he is good. The biggest, best ship today can’t even hold the weight that Noah’s ark must have had. It was a wooden ship carrying, who knows how much weight. All the supplies, the food for not only him and his family…but for the animals, and of course the creatures themselves. Look how much an elephant weighs…imagine there was two of them, and that just 1 creature. There are still many heavy weights, and also the different breeds of elephant. There have had to been more than just two. All in all that ship as described in the bible could not possibly hold that. Even today we could its difficult to make something that could do what Noah’s ark has done. This one story is enough to make your missionary pee hi pants. See this too, real cool.
7. Moses crossed the red sea? Fuck you; there is a difference between Red Sea and Reed Sea. The Reed Sea is a bed of marsh close the red sea. So what? Moses did tolerate the smell of the marsh, yeah right!
8. The biggest hurdle for a Missionary is when he has to question his faith. Make that happen and you score a double goal. Ask him things as to why Christian practice is declining and why Vatican is running out of money. He will talk gibberish.
9. Talk about Jesus’s wife! Hell yes, his love Mary Magdalene. Ask him what happened to the gospel of Mary Magdalene.
10. Priory if Sion, talk about it, home run.

The whole point is whatever you do just don’t talk about your fucking personal problems or anything negative. About the country, disease, nothing! Any of these in his hands and this asshole will bank on it to bore you to shit.

Remember your right to freedom or speech and right to religion is in your constitutional amendment. Don’t let some Vatican funded crap weasels to steal it. If you need help or want more answers to specific questions, comment here on the blog and I shall do my best to help you take that crap weasel missionary off you ass.

Liked what you read? Please share the Joy!

•