#5, Sankara Madam St – Chapter #1

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Posted on 29th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in #5 Sankara Madam St. |Kanakavalli paatty |autobiography |daily life |emotions |incident |personal |short story |story

Memoirs of Desikachari Thaaththa and Kanakavalli Paatty

Continuing off the last post i start the story of my life with the first chapter.

As vaguely as i remember, my kollu paatty considered me as a re-incarnation of kollu thaaththa. Why? because i was born on the same thidhi as his thavasam comes, same natchathram and of course it seems apparently i had a line on my forehead like a thirunaamam that kollu thaththa would wear. Desikachari thaatha was my fathers, grandfather. His wife died and he re-married my kollu patty who did not have any kids with him. Possibly why kanakavalli paatty considered me to be more like her son than a grandson.

Desikachari thaththa was notoriously famous for his temper and arrogance and charisma, so was i, doubting the charisma part alone. I’ve never seen kollu thaththa but only kollu paatty. I’ve been told stories about kollu thaththa so much by family members i dont miss not seeing him, i have his picture and every event engraved in the form of stories in my mind for eternity. I was told how rich a family we were and the palace like house we owned in sabapathi street next to sembithamman kovil, before we sold it to marry out aunt’s. Thaaththa owned a bus service in ooty and our family people would arrogantly get on it and not buy a ticket and quarrel with the bus conductor. After 30 minutes of hassling they would reveal they were "owners" of the transport company to make the conductor pee his pants and salute adchify with a "saari saaar!" dialogue.

I was also told how thaatha knew every mesthiri and carpenter in town and addressed them derogatorily as "sudran" and called them as "dei thevdiya maa, inga va da, idha pannu da" kind of authority and they would tremble in fear at kollu thaaththa. I was also told after all the work done how kollu thaaththa would give the mesthiri or the carpenter twice the money he asked for or deserved, also buy him tiffin and tea/coffee from a nearby iyengar’s hotel. I was told how big a turban kollu thaaththa wore and how he was 7 foot tall and commanded respect from every person on the street and folks hushed "periya iyer’u varaaru" and wished him good morning/afternoon/evening when he walked by. He always walked, he never drove a vehicle and he always used the bus, railways and tram.

Kollu paatty considered me to be her world, probably. She could not call me ‘Dilip’ and she called me ‘dilli’ which sounded more like ‘delhi’ with a i instead of the e. She was very aachaaram and cooked for herself in her small kitchen and room dedicated to her which had a separate door too perpendicular to the main entrance door. She would ask me every morning which i distinctly remember "dilli, enna da samayal pannattum?" and i would blurt off random things from my cherished desires and i would have it in front of me in flat 60 minutes. Kollu patties thaval adai’s were an extacy. I swallow a lump down the throat as i think of her, she really made life so much worth living for and how a kid i was and never realized what i had in life. Of course, for evening tiffin again i would command "poori", "chappathi", "dosai" and every possible permutation and combination and i would have it. My brothers plea and my cousin (my widowed aunt’s son who lived with us) would sometimes try to intervene and ask for stuff but they never made the promised land to the best of my knowledge.

Finally, i distinctly remember this. All 3 of us, after every nights meal would go to kollu paatty and i was always first to be served in the line. Paatty would have a huge, yellow colour green leave’s designed "Dabur Chavanyaprash" bottle. She would take some ayurvedic white powder which tastes like menthol. This powder she purchased for herself and just for me. It was some sort of protien or immunity booster or whatever. My bro and cousin got just the teaspoonful of chavanyaprash while i got the nice tasting powder along with it too and vayathu yerichchala kottified for the other two, every day.

Kanakavalli paaty also had a wonderful bench cum bed which was cool to lay down on. After her demise this was used by the kids in the house as a place to sit and study. Kanakavalli paatty is no more, the house is no more. Dabur chavanyaprash brings them back to life for a brief few seconds every time i see one.

 


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Immanuel is a Pundai

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Posted on 27th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in comedy |daily life |funny |humour |incident |opinion |personal |rantings |school |short story

No, we are not swearing at somebody here. Not certainly me. This post is merely an inspiration from post. I was tempted to write. Immanuel was our School math teacher during 9th and 10th grade. Immanuel master was special. Why? Because the kids knew how to pass a math exam. He taught tuition classes that costs you Rs. 80 per month and if you went for those classes it means you get a guaranteed 40% and pass the math exam. Not just that, he was sight adchifying the cute 18 year old french teacher, whom most of the kids in the class were sight adchifying too.

Nevertheless the point of this post is not about Mr. Immanuel our math teacher or his sex somersaults but its about toilets. Yes, toilets in the school. Wait, i know you wan’t to know what it has to do with the title. Allow me to explain.

"Immanuel is a Pundai" was the most scribbled text in all toilet wall’s in the school. Of course, other teachers having sex with weird unexplainable things and being castrated or crucified in horrendous ways were also a vital part of the loo art that you would find in these toilets but Immanuel master topped the hate list followed by our biology teacher susan rajan who was precariously described as slime. Why? Because she was the only person on earth who would eat with her right hand and dissect a cockroach off the left, peel things off it and explain things to students will she munched food in her mouth. Brilliant! Yes, she was!

Of course, we had Miss Sheela Christopher who was our Chemistry teacher. I’m not sure how good her chemistry was but her language was pathetic. She always used to point out to our unruly class leader and yell "munnadi pora yeruma maadu ozhunga ner kodula pona than, pinnadi vara yeruma maadu ellam ozhunga ner kottula nadakkum" and she added "munnala pora yeruma maede seri illa, pinnala vara erumaigalellam enna pannum?". Of course, she was promptly rewarded with fantastic  pictures of her riding yeruma maadu’s in the nude and also giving birth to a yeruma kannu kutti. Utter genius in artistic expression. I remember winning 4 rangoli competitions in school successively from 7th – 10th grade during the childrens day festival and project days/exhibition. If only the judges visited the toilets to see the art on the wall, i swear i would not have had a chance in the remote possibilities of planet earth.

I studied in a "All Boys" school till 10th grade. The world famous in perambur "St. Mary’s Matriculation Boys Higher Secondary School" and all of our school toilets were famous and had so much culture and history as much as our school did. Everyday we failed to do homework and we had to kneel down outside class and the cute french miss walked by laughing at us we would rush to the toilet to draw such weird things of the oppressing teacher of that particular period, what awesome a way it was to take it out on them. It was a fantastic channel because the staff toilet which was close to the staff room was cleaned on an hourly basis and kept well compared to the students toilet which was cleaned only when there was a cholera break out amongst school kids, housed in the classes close to the toilet.

To start with, none of the toilets had doors. Yes, no kidding! Im not talking about urinals where you stand and take a piss, im talking about toilets where you squat. No doors, the school management believed doors were too much of an expense and we were "just kids" and deserved no privacy even while taking a shit. Nevertheless, no sane person in their realistic senses would ever go shit there and most of us never did with one or two of those weirdo kids who found these places habitable. We stayed away from those folks all the time, we knew they were of an elite kind. In fact when a kid goes to the toilet we know of what hard bound stuff they are made of and finally they get elected to be School Pupil Leader (SPL) and Assistant SPL. That was our test, the ultimate one that makes you SPL.

To conclude, i would kindly request we relocate all teaching activity in toilets because i think that is the only place where young boys have the utmost concentration and intense dedication when it comes to doing some work. Look at those drawings, breathtaking! I mean, sometimes i used to see women with so many tits, i could not even count them with my poor math skills. Some sex positions were so impossible, if not innovative, they would beat the crap out of kama sutra. I think what we should have is a public addressable system with isolated toilets with walls to separate each kid. This teacher can speak over the mic and deliver the lecture material via the speakers installed in each kuckoose and you will see the artistic potential of each and every kid revealed to the best possible extent.

I also suggest we fire all these useless old blokes and hire chick 18 year olds as teachers (like our french teacher) and ensure that in this way the students behave themselves and look their best and the teacher has the complete attention and control of the class. I think this is the best formula for any boys school. I hope St. Mary’s school is listening.


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The Chronicles of Nara…

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Posted on 24th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in comedy |daily life |flickr |friends |funny |humour |story |world affairs

Due to excessive pressure and request from Daksha, im posting the image and the story behind these. See this comment here for some background on this. Infact narain endorses these words himself.

????? ????? ??????? ?????????? ???????, bleady dawg :P

Vishwa likes peacock feather’s much, narain says. This is a posed one thats made to looks like its not been posed at all. Natural things are vishwa’s fav.

Thinking of Vishwa, eternal love is special a feeling…. those moments… that voice, those memories….

This is how vishwa hugs you, (kaathal sadu gudu song playing in the background). and your heart goes like mid 80′s ilayaraja movie music background… “than thana than thana than thana than thana than thana hey!”

If you wanna get the feel of how this would feel, then watch the video below…

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Daks and Sharanya make my day

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Posted on 17th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in daily life |flickr |friends |opinion

Last night, 9 PM – 6 AM today morning i keep working and now wake up at 2 in the afternoon and im so tired and pissed off to do anything but i have so much to do.

Then i logon to flickr and i see these two images from Sharanya and Daksha. This just makes my day.

Hello!!!  green triangles..

Thanks Guys. A little bit of happiness is not something i can say no to.


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Spiritual but not religious?

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Posted on 17th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in atheism |crib |debate |opinion |personal |rantings |religion

I come across this often in social networking sites. As an atheist / rational person i fail to understand the meaning of this terminology.

No offense but what is spiritual? Spiritual, the world indicates it probably has something to do with the spirit, right? Okay, so lets consider this "Spiritual" word as an adjective and look-up Merriam Webster’s. Here is what i got…

spir·i·tu·al           Listen to the pronunciation of 1spiritual  
Pronunciation: \?spir-i-ch?-w?l, -i-ch?l, -ich-w?l\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French & Late Latin; Anglo-French espirital, spiritual, from Late Latin spiritualis, from Latin, of breathing, of wind, from spiritus
Date: 14th century

1: of, relating to, consisting of, or affecting the spirit : incorporeal <spiritual needs>
2 a: of or relating to sacred matters <spiritual songs> b: ecclesiastical rather than lay or temporal <spiritual authority> <lords spiritual>
3: concerned with religious values
4: related or joined in spirit <our spiritual home> <his spiritual heir>
5 a: of or relating to supernatural beings or phenomena b: of, relating to, or involving spiritualism : spiritualistic

So it looks like im quite right. Something that has to do with the Spirit. I so hate to do this because now we have to find out what the heck a SPIRIT is. So lets look back at Merriam Webster’s again. We will look at the first two since we will speak in context of what we are discussing here

spir·it           Listen to the pronunciation of 1spirit
Pronunciation: \?spir-?t\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French or Latin; Anglo-French, espirit, spirit, from Latin spiritus, literally, breath, from spirare to blow, breathe
Date: 13th century

1: an animating or vital principle held to give life to physical organisms
2: a supernatural being or essence: as acapitalized : holy spirit b: soul 2a c: an often malevolent being that is bodiless but can become visible ; specifically : ghost 2 d: a malevolent being that enters and possesses a human being

NOTE: If your definition of spiritual is like the Einstein’ian way of poetically calling nature as spirit then read no more. You have nothing to do with this blog. If your definition of spirit deals with your love for the biological process of evolution then your poetry is welcome, regardless of me agree’ing with it or not. We are not talking about poetic spiritual references, we are dealing with religion and supernatural claims. 

So the question is, who has seen a spirit? How can the spirit be contained or evidenced or  quantified or qualified to be a spirit? What does the spirit comprise of? What are the physical and chemical properties of the spirit? Is the spirit of a human being different from that of a cat’s? If so what are the biological differences between the spirit of a cat and a human being?

Unless and until i get completely honest, logically and scientifically acceptable answers i shall declare this:-

Those who make statements such as "Spiritual but not religious" are nothing but being pussies. Spiritual and Religious mean the same rubbish and there is no difference really, i mean if one of the interpretations can be Ghost, you sure can bet the term Ghost did not come from the study of the Quantum Theory.

There is no medical term that talks about rescuing the spirit. Doctors save lives. If the spirit is the most important thing that gives life to a body then the spirit is the life, life is not the real life that makes us a lively person. All we need to do is save the spirit so that we can transplant it to another body or perhaps repair a damaged body or perhaps even cryogenically freeze it so that we can re-introduce the spirit into it and give it life once the body is in working condition. How come there is no scientific research in this area if spirit was such an awesome thing?

Let me put it like this. When you believe in something and if you have the nerve you have to stand up for it. For example, i’m an atheist. I stand up for the belief that there’s nothing supernatural in this world. I will stand up for this fact unless and until someone proves me wrong by providing…

(a) scientific evidence
(b) testable means to prove the evidence
(c) peer review within a scientific community relevant to the discussion

So let me ask all the moderates here to stop being cowards. Please just declare you are indeed religious. Why hide behind the curtains of ambiguation to save yourselves from being mocked at for being plain stupid? You cannot even provide excuse stating you are deist because they do not believe in supernatural claims either. Certainly not spirit or souls. So for one last time can i request the real slim shady please stand up, stop being a mouse and act like a normal human being with a little bit of self respect and stand up for what you believe in, rather than hide behind the cover of moderate terminology to appear like you are smart and secular when you actually are not.

The only difference between religious and spiritual is this. Religious people don’t care if they are stupid. They know it already and they rely on faith, in other words some garble written 2000 years ago about how to cut your raped house maid into 12 pieces and distribute it across town to clean yourself off an evil spirit. They are here to hurt other people, they want to reject knowledge, understanding and prefer to live in the stone ages. You on the other hand, the ‘spiritual person’ (or the moderate) realize you are stupid when you say you are religious. Why not be honest and accept the fact you don’t want that crutch called religion and for once in your life, you can think of your own and act with morals based on your logical and rational judgement. Come out of it, spi
ritual is just a better way of saying "I’m still religious and don’t want to come out of it but then please don’t call me stupid for being so because im just to scared to face reality and take it like a man."

In a way religious people at least have the nerve to accept who they are and stand up for their beliefs which spiritual people (or moderates) lack. So much for trying to be nice.


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The Photo Thief Seminar (post 12th Photowalk)

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Posted on 16th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in flickr |idea |media

Hello Everyone,

Owing to weather issues our Workshop did not go well last weekend hence for the benefit of the crowd and for easier attendance i intend to run this workshop again immediately after the Photowalk.

Please reserve about an hour and a half past the photowalk.

We will convene at a location that is convenient after the walk.

So in a nutshell after the walk we could convene at a place convenient for all of us, probably somewhere quite close by and indoors with as little ambient noise as possible and do this.

Tentatively this shall be around 10 AM (hoping the walk is done by this time) and go upto 11 AM and a 30 minute session for questions.

Agenda:

1. Overview of the Copyrights Law
2. What the Law lacks?
3. How vulnerable are you images?
4. How to protect your images?
5. You’ve been robbed, what to do?
6. You’ve been robbed, what NOT to do?
7. Fair use rights, what’s hot and what’s not
8. Future plans for legal action and reforms on the law.
9. Q & A session.

Who needs to attend?

If you have a camera and you have displayed your images in a public space, you should come listen to this stuff. Its scary and its re-assuring as well. :-D


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Wedding Photography by Sharanya Rao

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Posted on 16th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in Wedding |christianity |flickr |friends

My long time flickr friend Sharanya Rao has some interesting work on her portfolio.

This Wedding set of her’s has some exceptional work on it. Go have a look, its worth blowing 30 minutes, admiring these images.

I’ve listed a few of the images i loved the most but you’ve got to see every one of these images to find out for yourself. 

IMG_0371     IMG_0360

IMG_0192  IMG_0179

Bride                     Flower Girl

IMG_0213     IMG_0305

IMG_0300     IMG_0258

Brides maid     Offerings~

Sharanya also has a Blog where she has some exceptional work listed. Check it out.

There is some incredible amount of hard work that has gone into these images and it shows. It’s like one of those times you look at some of the pictures and feel the need to have been at that place, in the sense that you feel its so lovely and you have missed it.

Oh well, Shan’s wedding is right around the corner and im camping in her house a week before the wedding to get everything. Yay!


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A handbook of exceptional quick lies

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Posted on 15th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in comedy |daily life |friends |funny |happenings |idea |india |short story |story

Yes, exclusively for the Indian family as well. Are you anything post 13 and below 30? Are you Single? Are you the one who happens to have girl friends? Are you the one that happens to be from a conservative tambram, catholic or muslim family? Do you find it painful to find explanations everytime you step out of the house?

Well if you have been answering yes to atleast 2 of the above questions then you are in deep shit?

Does it take impossible amounts of convincing to get your girl friend out of the house and in the last minute she banks out and excuse’s herself "parents won’t allow me to go out in weekends" sort of unbelievable shit!

Well wonder no more. The answers to your prayers are right here. I shall soon come up with a paperback book called "A handbook of exceptional quick lies". 20000 right lies you can fling right out of your pocket and not only get out of your house post 7 PM. Not only that, this WILL get your girl friends out too! Yes, its true and its time tested and it hardly fails.

For example, you plan a night show movie with a gang of friends at work. Living in chennai or any city for that matter you know how hard it is to get evening show or matinee tickets. Now your gal friends wont come out of the home because anything post 7 PM is taboo.

Well here is the deal. Call your girl friends Landline number. As always her dad, the bloody villain will pick up the phone. Now quickly tell her dad "Hello uncle, how are you? I’m fine. I could not reach sheetals mobile so called the land line. Can you take a message?"

At this point of time the curious bastard will be more than happy to know what the hell you are going to tell his beautiful daughter. Now comes your nuke…

"Please ask sheetal to get the Black Mamba Project report for the meeting with Vice president we have tonight at 9 AM PST"

Now her dad is like "What meeting? She never told me?"

"Oh yes uncle, we have a performance review meeting and our team has won the award for the best performance for this quarter. We may probably get a pay hike if we impress the VP in the meeting with our presentation and sheetal has done all the ground work."

Two things. Daughter will probably get a pay hike, daughter may get an award. This sucker will do anything to get his daughter to go to office.

Infact you can also use this opportunity to go pick up your girl friend from her house since it will be late in the night.

Imagine this, 8 pm pick-up from home. Dinner + movie at 10.45 pm and then go clubbing at 3 AM after the movie and back home by 6 am next morning.

The only small downside is you need to wear formal clothes when you start out of the house. That’s okay. We are all used to carrying different set of clothes and changing in the restroom. Women are experts at this and you can take advise from your girl friend.

This is just ONE EXAMPLE, one of the more inefficient ways to get the girl friend out and you out of the house. Imagine how the super efficient ones that are available only when you buy the book, would sound like. Buy my book and you have 19,999 more of this wonderful treasure of knowledge.

So hang tight and watch this space. Arriving in a blog near you….

As for NRI folks, dont worry. Amazon deals are underway to sell atleast 87 million copies in the USA and Europe alone.


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Barrack, before & after the Debate

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Posted on 15th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in barrack obama |debate |funny |humour |opinion |personal |politics |review |short story |world affairs

 

Awesome Video. If Obama wins then this guy will have an awesome career.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0D1w2mjqzk]

This guy is just awesome.


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The Excuse

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Posted on 14th October 2008 by Dilip Muralidaran in funny |humour |personal |short story |story


And so what we’ve been expecting has finally happened. I have hard bound evidence to prove this shit, now. I called narain today and asked him if we could meet up at Vanilla Place or some place outside. I told him that i needed to discuss stuff about lingerie photography and i had a model with me and we wanted to discuss things.

Since narain already has extensive expertise in accompanying women to lingerie shops i was confident that his acquaintance with straps and hooks, babes and boobs should all fall in place and he would be good enough and i could use a helping hand of a friend in the shoot.

I expected narain to pounce upon the opportunity (if he could on my model too but my model is a kong-fu graduate and will powder his balls) since i had already told him that i had the model with me and we wanted to go to Mermaid near mocha (apparently narain is a Multi platinum member here, the store attendant tells me) and buy some strapless stuff that narain knows like the hair at the back of his head.

However, today tragedy stuck! Narain responded "I would love to get my hands on her (oops!) errr… the lingerie for her… and help you da but today is an important day and i have some serious personal commitments". Knowing narain for this long i sensed a longing in his voice and i could not push him further and let go of without further questions.

So me and my model went in and narain had the good-will to call the store and tell them that we were coming. There were trumpets and horns blowing when we entered khadar nawaz khan road and a beautiful red carpet leading all the way to mermaid. We were served Champagne when we entered the shop and the store owner personally attended to us and told us that whatever we brought that day was all on narain’s account and that he would get killed if narain came to know he took money from any girl for purchasing her undies and cholies. Narain exclusive brought rights to these things in the city long back, which probably explains why most of our actresses and college girls nowadays wear no brasiers or jatties and are all see through fanatic’s (letting the air with full of life circulate in these areas) and condemn wastage of clothing material.

People in africa are dying without clothes and they just dont want stupid pieces of weirdly cut scraps to go in between their legs and strangle their chest all the time. We were also let into a secret by one of the store attendant that there is a new cult called the naaraa cult. This was exclusively founded by narain. Every time a girl attains puberty word is sent first to narain who in turn buys the girl her first pair of boob holders. Apparently i guess this explains why we were served 13000 worth of champagne for a 130 peraadha cheap bra and panty.

Anyway’s back to the story of narain disappointing us. My model was going fucking nuts. She gulp adchified the entire bottle of champagne before i could sip once and was panting and breathing heavily and was yelling around at everybody in the store. She was pissed off or what? "What’s wrong with narain?" "What will i do to get the right size now?"

One sales girl offered to measure her size and my model snapped right back. "Narain stares at a girls cleavage from 13 miles away from his house terrace and will give you the size, geometric dimension, left and right comparison, boob balance economics, tension threshold of the strap in order to hold the boulders in the front, lactative qualification/quantification and all sort of details, so piss off!". I was blown away. We finally decided bra’s without narain is like boobs without nipples. They are just damn incomplete and decided from henceforth, every year this day we will shoot only topless images in the memory of narain’s refusal to accompany us.

Now im back home and i logon to Google Chat and Narain’s status message says "My first night – In office ;-) "



I suddenly remember the other night, which was incomplete for narain. Office is like second home and this time i pray narain gets it right. Vishwa should be there at narain’s office by now.

I guess after all i did the right thing by not pestering narain today.
If you’re still wondering what the heck Vishwa or who the heck vishwa is then you have to come for our next bloggers meet for the reading of my version of the Apocalyptic Night. Its a story worth listening to.


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