Personal 
No Comments Dear PSBB students from my school days…
Get a life, seriously. Actually, give me back my life, rather my childhood, please. I sit here today like a lonely Michael Jackson on a tree in the middle of a nowhere forest singing “have you seen my childhood?” to myself. All of this because of you. Yes, you… prick!
Ongalukku ellam vera velaye kedayatha? Onga veettula appa amma enna pana maram valarthaangala? Wasn’t school just enough? Wasn’t it too much anyways? I mean, I saw you folks go to school at 6.30 in the bleady morning. Which loser does that? No, don’t answer that, it was a rhetorical one.
School starts at 09:00. Apparom enna special class at 7:00 ? Your teachers and all had no purushans to cook for and pasanga to kulupaatify and get ready for school’a? Enna velayaadareengala? Dei! Seri, pogattum.. athenna school mudinja apparum innoru special class? Your teachers have no house’a? They’re all homeless people who stay in school till dinner and go to shelters to sleep’a? Do you realize how many times when I had scored less than 80% in that physics test and my father and mother used to quote how much special classes you kids are attending and how special it makes you? I mean if you were an item in Saravana Bhavan hotel menu, you guys would definitely been named Special Dosa of sorts. Ethulayume neenga sadhaarnama irukka matteengala? paruppu!
Seri, athenna compulsory swimming class? Boy’skku oru time and Girls-kku innoru time? What’s the point? Thani thaniyaa swim panni enna kizhikka poreenga? Arive illaya onga swimming instructor’skku? For the money you guys paid for school fee’s nirosha must come in swimsuit like this and teach you guys everyday, everything apart from the curriculum.
Seri atha free vudunga. Athenna ellarum classical music kathukkanum? Cinema paattu paadina enna urugiyaa poyduveenga? Naangalellam Agni Natchatiram version kekkumbodhu neenga ellam Carnatic music version paduveenga. Atha kettutu enga appanum aathaalum kaari thuppi engala ellam moonji melaye methipaanga. Athu thane venum? Rascals!
Paadinaa pothatha? Aada vera aadanuma? Athuvum bharathanattiyam? Naanga ellam intha pattukku dance aduvom…
Neenga naduvula poonthu, intha madhiri aadittu poiduveenga…
Adhukku apparom paatti vandhu engala “en da ippadi avuthu pottutu adareenga?” nnu thittanum! Athu thane idea? Thiruttu kammunaateeengala. Nasama poga!
Seri etho adineenga, padineenga’nnu free vutta athu enna hindi class, hindi prachara sabha’la? Who the hell speaks sanskrit on an everyday basis? Evan ongala ellam poi second language atha edukka sonnan? How many of you are poojari’s in temple today? tell me I say! Apparom poi hindi exam ezhutha vendiyathu. Ongala pathuttu enga amma appavum get us into nonsensical Dakshina Bharat Hindi Prachar Sabha exams. Mavane! 12 mani veyyilla T. Nagar’kku bus puduchi andha ezhavu edathukku poi fee’s kattanum? Enna velayaatta irukka ongalukku ellam? dei!
Anyways all you did at the end of it is this only…
Seri etho hindi is our national language and all that shit vadakkathi veriyans claimed and your folks fell for that bullshit. But why French? Omlette venumna brilliant tutorial vassala poi “anna! oru aamulettu podunganna, vengaayam illaama” apdeennu ketta you will get one for 2 Rupees no? Adhenna “omelette au fromage” sonna than jeeranam agumaa? Alpom pudichavanungala! You went and studied french no? English padathula french kissing panna kooda amma will close your eyes and turn off TV. So you obviously did not learn how to french kiss as well but paid enough money that would fetch you a french wife today. Why? Lose’a? French class’kku poi french kiss panna pakkathula irukkara figure’oda practice pannalenna apparam entha mayirukku ponai? yabba… tension pannareenga da onga logic-oda. Anyways like all obedient boys US lendhu 12 days leave pottutu vandhu you got married at 31. Just in time for you to officially exit the meat market and then only you lost virginity. En indha scene, with all this french? I’m sure even your wife does not allow you to French kiss being the good Indian girl she is. En? Why this pain ya?
Karate Class. You eat thayir sadham. I also eat thayir sadham. Who are we going to fight with apart from the sister/brother? Athukku ethukku Karate kathukkanum? Anyways maths’la centum varalenna appa is gonna beat the crap out of your miserable existence. Its not like he will spare you if you know like some 10 kattas or something. Anyways all those kattas were for you demonstrating it in front of that nosey uncle and aunty or relatives whom you have never met in your life before. Anything you show them with haa hoo sound they will always say “enna azhaga pannaraan kozhandha, thrishti suththi podungo!” and place a big fat kiss on your cheek with with bad breath and ugly 1 rupee sized wart on their face which has hairs coming out of it and all.
Anyways, being the gundu payyan you are, all that you can do is put scene to impress that sumaar ethirtha veettu figure by breaking already rain’la oori poi nanji ponna, paasi pudicha sengal. I mean, anyone can do that. Even the pakkathu aththu thaththa who had no teeth and walked with a crutch could have pulled that one off. Its not like impressing that figure is gonna get you married to her right away. Ava enna caste’o, appa amma wont othufy for that and all..
Because of you, we were forced to join some karate class or tae kwon do and that instructor would semma adi adichify us everyday under the pretext of teaching us and disciplining us. Adi vaangi vaangi, soranaye illaama pochu odambula. The only good thing out of that was in school when teacher asked you to show back of the hand and beat with scale it never pained and all. All that othai karate instructor gave previous day in class made our odambu marathu pogify completely.
We cant able to put maanja and fly kite also. All the folks at home will say is, <insert cousin name studying in PSBB> paaru, samuththa free time’la rangoli class porathu. neeyum irukkiye, porukki kaathadi uda pora!”. Seriously, how many of you people get up in the morning at 5 am and vaasal’a thanni thelichify and put 36 pulli kolam? En indha vetti bandha and all going for rangoli class?
I want compensation. Either invent a time machine and send me back to my childhood. I will murder you all before hand. Pull something off like John Conor in terminator padams so that you don’t exist in the first place. Adhu mudiyalenna pay me! I want all your money! The ladies, I want all you pretty girl friends numbers except the ones that studied in MOP vaishnav college. Andha gang’a ennala sathyamaa tolerate panna mudiyaathu. I cant able to buy Gucci tissues to wipe the cold coffee that spills of her lips while she needs to have that at trident everyday and I have to ferry her by a A segment car only and drop her back.
So when you are done reading this, text me and I will send you my bank account number. ICICI or HDFC is better since I can get money faster on these accounts. Yes, and one more thing. I know you got married at 32 and you are relieved you are getting laid and not dying a virgin and all but putting your wifes photo as your Display Picture on gmail chat, facebook, twitter and all is completely unacceptable. Unless you want people like me to hit on her, that is.
P.S. this is one comedy piece only. romba tension aagina drink the ice more amma makes at home or adichify some filter kaapi and listen to some indholam on your iPod or something instead of calling my onnu vitta chithappa or vayasukku varaatha paatti a brammaharthi and all. also amits and neha’s who did not understand the tamil, maaf keejiye!
