The Order of the Crutch

There are times when you are so confused and shocked at things people say it takes about a few dumb minutes to realize, if you should be offended or not. Today was one such day..

So I get down from the bus in Chennai after an overnight journey from Bangalore. Koyambedu it is and Auto Drivers scamper around and snatch the suitcase while you watch helplessly. One screams out “saaar, I have dropped you before saar. I have dropped you before and I will drop you in your doorstep saar…”. So I think I should write off the price of my elbow crutch to this prick today, instead of the ones whom I don’t know. Known devil is better than an unknown angel it seems, as the proverb has enlightened us from 4th grade schooling.

So after graciously agreeing to settle for Rs. 300 from Rs. 350 (not before telling me how nasty velachery as a place was to drive in & live in was) I get into the auto only to stop 2 minutes into the ride. Now I’m thinking this dude is stopping to take a leak or put thoppukaranam in front of pillayar kovil or something. Then I hear a conversation in the background involving the driver but im engrossed why the EDGE network on my cellphone isn’t getting activated despite rebooting the phone. I mean who does not want to check Office email + Gmail on a Saturday morning at 6.30 AM?

The Auto driver walks closer to the vehicle and the conversational volume gets louder and clearer, it finally ends with..

“Madam, avaru handicapped thaan madam. Onnume illa madam, summa thairiyama okkaarunga. Problem illa! 2 nimishan thane!” (Madam, he is physically challenged. He is of no harm or trouble. You can sit confidently. After all, the ride is barely 2 minutes..)

This guy jumps into the drivers seat and before I realize what’s happening there is this cute girl staring at my face with a “are you going to move your behind to the other end and plaster yourself to the auto’s wall or what?” look. Blame the testosterone, probably… I move over to the other side and continue fiddling with the EDGE settings and the Auto Driver adds lately…

“saar, avanga okkaaralaam illa saar?! onnum problem illaye?” (Saaar, can she sit. This isn’t any trouble to you, right?)

I’m thinking, if this question is a bit too late or something or was it a mandatory obligation that he had committed to as a result of his circumstances. Unfortunately, the maramandai works very slowly after being jolted for 7 hours in a cramped bus with lousy seats that I shelled Rs. 550 for a ticket.

So here is the deal. What exactly did this guy imply? Did he imply I’m incapable of any sexual advances I could make or hit on this girl because of my physical condition? How did he arrive at this idea and by what logic? I can assure this isn’t the first time I’ve been ‘described’ in such a context as a “harmless and / or useless” with reference to my sexuality. One part of my crocodile brain tells me I should just grab this girl, kiss her and before she realizes it kick her and send her flying out of the auto which is already flying at 80 Km/h. At this rate this guy cannot even break properly and before he knows it I would have pulled my Swiss pocket knife and stabbed him in the neck and tell him he was so wrong to make such assumptions about me.

For the record, technically speaking, all impotent guys are physically challenged but not all physically challenged guys are mandatorily impotent, although I admit there is a high possibility if your limbs or your back is affected we could be shit in bed, by all means. I mean its Physics and sex isn’t what you see in Porn.

I fail to rationalize what gives people the audacity for them to comment on other peoples sexual potency or capability in broad daylight? I fail to understand how someone can take that as a valid reason as well and comply with the idea, in this case this girl who sat beside me for a brief 2 – 3 minutes. I felt sorry for a moment, that she was ripped off Rs. 50 for a bare 1.5 Kms and she looked so shocked in disbelief as the Auto Driver insisted “Madam, minimum charge-e muppadhu rooba” which sent me into shock as well. When did this happen, I was never told so! She didn’t look like she was from the city. From her looks and from her accent she was probably of an orthodox / conservative origin, but then I concluded she deserved it anyways.

I mean if you could buy one bullshit, you gotta buy the other one as well right?

It seems like, the problems with the effectiveness of my courting and copulative capabilities are not my business anymore. A Times of India style analysis of this subject is everyone’s constitutional right. At least that’s how it seems to be from how its handled and discussed.

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