relationships | Dilip Muralidaran

Commitment vs. Experience: A Personal Note

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on May 8, 2010 – 10:06 pm -

I know. Its not the usual me to write such mega serial type topics on this blog. People are much used to me bitching about something like religion, technology, politicians & governments. Its okay, for a change lets see if i can say something useful and make sense too without F’ing the hell out of people & things that just turn me off.

Off late i notice around me the amount of failed marriages or relationships are quite staggering. Most of them are the traditional amma appa paathu panni vechcha arranged marriages but love marriages are no exception either. Running around trees, holding hands like as of they were atomically fused from birth and scribbling love notes on facebook & twitter, what not? No difference. Everything is down the drain hole and it seems people get tired off each other quickly.

Now i know what you are expecting. You expect me to say we are not biologically programmed for a one man + one woman relationship, which i will but then I’ve said it already so many times i do not want to repeat myself and sound boring. What I’m about to discuss is the social aspect of a relationship or lets say the courting process in human beings.

Human beings are very different from other animals. The amount of “Social” exercise that we involve in is staggering. Any other biological race that would compete with us in this “social” experience would look like a mole in front of a mountain. It is this “Social” dimension that separates us from the other kind. I fail to understand why or how but somehow we humans seem to be pretty comfortable with a single mate for a lifetime (exceptions are plenty) and we actually progress far better on this scale with even more bio diversity compared to animals that have multiple mates every mating season depending upon capability i.e., fertility, strength, environmental circumstances etc., It is extremely fascinating to see that this single mate ritual is something natural selection has supported and has worked for us pretty well. Yet, we see it slip so easily, it all seems like the probability of a withered petal from a flower tree landing on another petal or in the dirt.

The idea of a one man = one woman is not bad, in fact its good simply because it removes confusion, chaos and violence from the picture. Any race devoid of confusion, chaos & violence will survive better. Its self explanatory why there are close to 7 billion of us today on planet earth. Credit that mostly to do scientific progress but also due to the nature of us becoming less violent by the day. Don’t believe me? Watch the TED video below:

The point here is this. Relationships of today are on the verge of a major evolutionary change. Traditional expectations in a relationship is killing that very relationship.

Due to my lack of knowledge in terms of how relationships work outside of India I’m going to stick purely to Indians and Indian families. The days of “Kall anaalum Kanavan, Pull Anaalum Purushan” is dead. Education & empowerment of women killed it for good. The possibility of the man overpowering the woman is reducing very rapidly by the day and it shows in the amount of divorce applications pending in court and how the numbers almost double every decade. While divorce rates are still the lowest in India (& Sri Lanka) the rate of growth in divorce is not really the lowest. Women are extremely happy to walk out of a bad marriage. Now consider this, if a woman in India can walk out of a marriage which has so much social pressure attached to it, non matrimonial relationships are far more easier to walk out of. The time of the man “keeping the woman” is here. Of course, thanks to the largest genocide on planet earth we Indians are committing openly without any remorse, the gender ratio is as mucked up as it can be compared to anywhere in the world.

People seem to get into relationships initially enthralled by the experience. There is sparks flying everywhere and there is fun and there is romance. None of them care about the commitment portion of it. In my opinion commitment should only come into a relationship on how actively you are trying to engage your love in your life. Expecting to enforce commitment in a relationship is a disaster for any one. This is precisely why relationships fail. There are these imaginary moral values that come from nowhere that dictate how silly fantasies in life can be denied on the basis of commitment.

To me ‘experience’ is like a big beautiful mother hen. The ‘commitment’ thing is like the small chickens that follow the hen. The ‘experience’ is the mother of all things. Wherever it goes, the small chickens of commitment follow. This applies to all relationships, specifically very much to what happens between a man and a woman.

Stopping the rant for a moment, i will say i get so thrilled to be in the presence of people who value the ‘experience’ of the relationship. I have a few cousins, my best friend & another acquaintance i know of that fall perfectly into this category. It is such a harmony when you see them interacting. The best part is they disagree in half the things they come across in life, they could show the middle finger at each other, yet laugh it off right after putting that finger down and figure out what’s best for them. It deeply pains me to say, such relationships/couples are a rare find. Its like browsing through a backup CD that is about 7 years old and finding the DOS version of “Prince of Persia” or “WordStar 4.0”. There is no joy in explaining how wonderful it makes you feel to be around such people.

In layman terminology if i were to equate this with an example its like a man and a woman going to the ice cream parlor and sharing a cone of ice-cream. You walk into the parlor, you buy a cone, any cone and you sit down and finish the cone and walk back home and cuddle into bed. This is the ‘experience’. Now lets revisit the scenario. Man prefers to sit at home and catch up with India vs. Australia T20 match, woman wants to go in for ice-cream post dinner. Man & woman go, woman wants cornetto, man says cornetto sucks and wants feast. Woman complains of sudden cold like symptoms. Neither have ice-cream, rather ‘share’ the ice-cream and come home empty handed.

I know this is not a very good analogy but then i hope you get the drift of what I’m talking about. The moment a man & a woman have nothing to talk about (this includes an argument/disagreement) from then on its all just about commitment. Commitment is like a brick wall. It is static. It expects loyalty & sincerity and does not want to change. Experience is like the bamboo stick. You can bend it to make a roof or stretch it to make a wall lining. Experience always changes, it adapts to situations and people and environment. Experience is all about the moment, commitment is all about keeping the possibility of having these moments forever without ensuring the possibility of such moments to occur in the first place.

I just felt like writing this post today since I’ve been postponing it for almost 3 weeks now. Now that I’ve gotten this out of my head and heart and poured it here i think I’ll lay to rest and hear from you all.

~fin~

Tags: break-ups, commitment, experience, importance, india, Love, personal pinion, relationships, romance
Posted in india, opinion, personal, relationships | 4 Comments »

For Usha, if you are alive and someday you read this…

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on April 12, 2009 – 8:28 pm -

Foreword: All incidents, names, places mentioned are for real. Nothing remains changed to the best of my knowledge.

To put it in simple terminology, i was a bit of a loner most of the times. I tried my best to fit in. I tried my best to like Tamil music but nothing moved me as much as Michael Jackson did and Ilayaraja for most parts sucked. Yes, i was ridiculed and occasionally awed at for being the weirdo who listens to English music all of the time.

My MC tapes were often in my absence erased and re-recorded with Tamil music that i used to hate and silently sneaked back into my suitcase. I tried to fit into the class cricket team but i simply did not fit in at all. All i was let to do was wicket keeping, the job everyone hated to do. Of course the ball boy who would fetch the ball if it went into the roads or the neighbors house. The water boy who would fetch water from the house when everyone was famished.

By the time i was in 9th grade i had a tricycle and i was a bit more famous now, i guess cuz 2 folks can tag along on that cycle and i could give them a ride easily. One can sit with me on the chair like seat and the other stand on the bar that connected the two wheels and framing at the back and yes, this routinely happened on the way back from school. But then that lasted only while going and coming back from school. I looked for elsewhere to have fun, to find company apart from the annual holidays where i would spend time with cousins, the best of the times ever in life, i would swear.

One could only wish for 2 months of school and 10 months of summer vacation and your wish came true but that was possibly the best pipe dream one could have. At this time when i was trying to find exactly where id fit in i also realized that i had to pass mathematics if i had any chance of clearing 10th grade and going to high school. Thankfully, that is when the legend of RJ master from Jayam Tutorials came to the rescue. He taught my dad, my aunt, my cousins (same aunt’s daughters) and now me, math & yes all of us cleared math. I’m not sure if this indicates a genetic weakness for arithmetic in the family blood-line but it sure indicates RJ master could teach any idiot math.

Anyways at this point in time when i wanted to go in for math tuition classes with RJ i met Usha and Swapna. Usha and Swapna were from the girls school branch of my School. My school was the main branch in perambur. The girls school branch, the most exotic of all branches with private zoo (which was later confiscated and barred) and stuff was called “Maryland” and was in madhavaram. To put it in short, usha was highly attractive, smart, witty, intelligent a woman and i sometimes used to wonder they the heck on earth does she even needed tuition classes at a tutorial since she was first rank holder type anyways.

Technically, Usha stands to be the first personal friend i ever had. Not some cousins classmate, not someone i tried to fit in with. Someone who liked who i was with no alterations and liked to hang out with me. I don’t know why but randomly this thought hit me a few days back and i was wondering who was the very first genuine friend i ever hand who liked to spend time with me without having any expectations. After much thought i would conclude its usha. Well there was this Didymus d’monte that i hanged out with during school all of the time but it never really occurred to me that he was plainly being rude to me behind my back and i was the star character of his dirty jokes which impressed other kids in class. Then there was this Kiran whom i used to have lunch with in 4th grade but he left school in 5th grade and i never saw him again.

I remember numerous friends whom i used to play cricket with, fly the kite but they were all my cousin rakesh’s class mates and i did not fit in with younger kids either. I would say this because i remember not once they were keen on hanging out with me or doing the things i wanted to do. It was always me trying to tag along with whatever they did and look cool and not be left out. Of course it did not work. I do however remember this incident, so vivid and crystal clear as water in a fish bowl.

I was cycling to tutorial class when it was announced the 5 pm class for biology was postponed to the next day but the math class was preponed to 6 pm instead of 7 pm. I had to kill 1 hour so i pointlessly drove around meenakshi street and school road when i came back to the class 15 minutes later, i bumped into usha. Together we decided to pointlessly cycled around perambur and she suddenly said “Hey, wanna drink something? I feel thirsty” and i lied “not really, its not so hot today..” and yes it was extremely, unbelievably dumb of me to say that. I do have my own reasons for it. First off my only source of pocket money was thaatha and he was out of town, which meant i was penniless. The very thought of a girl buying me something to drink humiliated my ego to the core, i wanted to bury myself alive. Secondly, the hard reality of the fact was that no one had outside of my family (read as cousins) had actually asked me out to do something fun! I was so hit like a moving train at 90 mph i just could not figure out how i should even react. I guess the default reaction was to escape from the situation.

Usha retorted “what?! just come i say, i can’t stand the heat and im dying of thirst!!!” and we went to this fruit juice shop at the end of raghavan st., opposite to Anand Book store. Grape Juice it was and 1 by 2. It felt extremely good. Someone really wants to hang out with me. The very feeling was like having 3 large vodkas. Usha used to routinely hang out with me, almost everyday. We were both fond of amman and used to visit the lakshmi amman temple in melpatti ponnappan st., everyday. We spoke on a variety of things, what we wanted to be, our perspectives of life, school, report cards everything under the sun. Of course that perverted bastard Solomon, biology teacher hated us St.Mary’s students to the guts. Our common enemy was a strong foundation for our friendship.

Some few weeks down the line i cancelled tuition classes for all the 12 subjects that i enrolled for and just took the math class. I guess usha must have realized she was wasting her time at the tutorials class and quit. It was the late 90’s and telephone was a luxury and i did not have one at home. My class mates Javed Ahmed and Sai Prasad used to ridicule me everyday for hanging out with these two women. Especially usha, being the pretty one of the two. The everyday routine before assembly was a healthy dose of comedy which comprised of sex jokes. One only needs to make an average guess who were the two characters in those stories. Ironically, they did have usha’s number but would not give it to me. Apparently they even visited usha at her house and she enquired how i was doing and she had been promptly lied to that i had her number and i was too busy with other things in school. A silly fight between them two would dig out such dirty facts, i found out later.

I met usha about 2 years later on the road and was glad to find a lost friend. I promptly got her number but then who would know that writing down important things on a small scrap of paper was a bad idea? Before i landed home i had a nasty accident in that tricycle and my fingers were caught in the hand pedaled gear wheel and my blood soaked my shirt red and gloriously washed away the fountain pen ink in the paper that lie in my pocket. My white shirt was not the only precious thing i lost that day, sigh!

So why the hell am i blabbering all of this now? Well as i look back and figure out who were the real friends and the loved ones who made my life worth fighting for, usha shines like a star on top of a Christmas tree. I believe its a shame to let go of friends when you can consciously try harder and see possibilities all around you. If there is anything i would love to do, i have this list of friends i’ve lost and believed i would never be able to find out for eternity. I’ve been proved so darn wrong by facebook thrice and i think i have higher hopes now. I have this list and usha is on top, i guess i will post more of these gem of people i’ve lost in time.

People talk about the power of social networking and social media and the internet. Well then, here is the deal.

The name is Usha. I hope you are alive, i hope you compute frequently and you use the internet and you are into social networking. I’m assuming you must be married right now and probably have kids, or the other obvious possibility that you’re slogging out a Ph.D somewhere. If you still remember Maryland school, If you still remember Montford School or Jayam Tutorials, If you still remember the silly fellow called dilip you used to hang out with almost every day before tutorial class at Lakshmi Amman Kovil, ping me will you? Email me here. The year i think is 1996-97.

I can’t do much but if i can throw in a big treat for the very first personal friend i ever had in life, i guess nothing would make one happier. Yes, if any of you could identify such a person and get her contact info i promise you, name the place and your lunch/dinner treat with/without saraku is on me, no questions asked

Tags: friend, good times, jayam tutorial, lakshmi amman kovil, melpatti ponniappan street, RJ master, st. mary's school. maryland school, usha
Posted in incident, personal, relationships, story | 12 Comments »

Everybody’s Darling

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on September 11, 2008 – 3:58 pm -

That’s precisely what she is. I don’t think i can put it in more simpler terminology than that. I specifically shot this image with the title in mind. Some of her relatives were cherishing her surprise visit for her sisters wedding engagement and there was so much fun.

Posted in daily life, emotions, flickr, personal, relationships | No Comments »

Raji

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on September 8, 2008 – 2:38 am -

Oh well, it seems like some sort of friendship week this week since im posting all portraits of close friends. So here is another master blaster. Raji is Sharada’s sister. Ever since Sharada has been to the UK and i have no accomplice for the usual criminal activities i indulge in, to share the guilt, Raji has saved me every other time from falling into the evil hands of goodness and becoming one of those useless, good for nothing nice guys.

Official companion for pointlessly roaming around the city on my bike, official liquor advisor whom i credit with for my heavenly vodka fanaticism, official victim whom i snatch all that calvin and hobbes books from without a zilch of guilt or shame, official complaint cell whom i call amidst her board meeting and crib the hell out when i have a bad day at work or get into unimaginable stuff that cannot be mentioned on flickr since i need to protect my intellectual criminal ideas, etc.,

This image was shot on the day before her wedding engagement when we were having a henna ceremony at home. The look on her face is the brink of the thin red line called patience. She has never kept the henna for anything more than 20 minutes in her life, today she had to keep it for close to four hours.

Posted in emotions, flickr, friends, personal, relationships | 4 Comments »

Hot Air Technology

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on September 7, 2008 – 1:38 am -

Sharada can make anyone laugh at anytime, at any given place with so much ease. I consider that sense of humour a fantastic gift and one in a thousand i get to meet have it. I cannot help but remember some of her crazy jokes while i enjoy the time i spend with her. Here is one to share with you so that you can laugh your but off.

While in training we folks used to play a game of freezing you ass to death, yes literally. Sort of. The back benchers were very close to the central Air Conditioning controls of the training room and often would reduce the temperature of room to 18 or sometimes even 16 or 13 and your bones would literally hurt from the chill air coming off the overhead vent. The trainer finally would find out and ask someone to turn it back on to the more tolerable 23or 25 only to be brought back to 18 when he is not looking.

One fine day, post the lunch break we were back at the training room and we found out the temperature was again set to 18 degree Celsius and this time the damn controls were stuck and broke. While each of us were F’ing around the son of a bitch who turned it down to 18 Sharada came up with an Ingenious technology.

Like a true fighter that takes it on himself with courage and boiling blood, she yelled out "okay, lets all blow hot air into it" and stood up on the chair and started blowing into the overhead A/C vent.

Posted in comedy, daily life, emotions, friends, funny, incident, relationships | No Comments »

When NO becomes scarce

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on January 9, 2008 – 1:09 am -

I’m seriously wondering, when on earth did the word “NO” become a luxury to be used so scarcely? Off late i find people using this very less. Maybe its just me or maybe its the norm or maybe in not in sync with times but this is what is happening.

You walk up to a friend, you scrap em on orkut or send a msg and ask them if they would care to join you out on a weekend plan or a simply day hanging out to kill boredom and the response you get is unbelievable.

I know that a “NO” or a “No Thanks” is a perfect response for every simple situation regardless of the person, place and time involved in any situation. Yet what you get is a direct insult like a “poda vennai”, “onakku vera velaye illaya?” or rude upper case shouting to state a simple negative response such as a no. I wonder what part of me is that makes them feel im so cheap enough to take this kind of a treatment.

The fact in reality however is that i take this treatment and pretend as if nothing happens. Often the lame excuse is that i say “people always need a second chance” but truth is i need an excuse. You have to draw a line, if you get rid of every one around you because they don’t respond to you like you expect them to then loneliness is the only company you can have.

Isolation is a heaven to visit and a hell to stay.

Posted in crib, daily life, emotions, friends, personal, relationships | No Comments »

When NO becomes scarce

Written by Dilip Muralidaran on January 8, 2008 – 7:39 pm -

Isolation is a heaven to visit and a hell to stay.

Posted in crib, daily life, emotions, friends, personal, relationships | No Comments »