Reality Bites!

Apparently the latest publicity stunt is recruiting Kapil Dev into the Indian Army. Captain Suresh pinged me on this.

Right after a great party at a club in a happy mood i find this news a bit inspiring and pissing me off at the same time. Kapil Dev wants to serve in the army, wow! Nice read, call it a publicity stunt which it fucking is, its still nice to hear and is inspiring.

On the flip side, we have screwed our soldiers so much in the Sixth Pay Commision. We have treated them so shoddily that we need celebrity stunts to inspire people to serve in the army. I met a friend today evening who works for the hotel industry and he was telling me how Malaysian Tamil's crib about who will change this country for the better and how they feel its an impossible task.

I feel for once he is right. For a country that cannot respect the guys and gals who are waiting for the bullet to their head, india is fucked.

Today is October 2nd. I gladly say "Fuck off" india. i'm tired of your indian'ism.

Fully Hyd Apologizes

Phew, i'm so damn saved. I'm just so happy i don't have to go to court and the police station again all over and run around like a rat on opium. Fully Hyd's CEO today called and apologized for the usage of the picture.

Contrary to my expectations he was not rude and in fact quite honest and apologetic about what happened. The last thing i wanted 2 days before a melbourne trip was a pending legal issue on my head and im so glad it went through fine.

#5, Sankara Madam St - Preface

There once lived a boy who was born into a lower middle class iyengar family that lived in a lowly place called perambur. He lived in an old house that had a tiled roof, the famous "ottu veedu" of those times in the early 80's. The boy unfortunately had a condition called cerebral palsy which devoid him from walking normally. He did not care, he ran.

Once during a weekend most assumingly the boy carefully tip toed via the gate-less house of his and stood under the cool jasmine creeper. He was shrewd enough not to put his foot back or forward and was devising his plan of edging along the 1 foot wide platform that kissed the dirty 4 foot compound wall. There was sewer all around him and his house had a very small drainage system, which meant the first house to explode and leak sewer into small road in case of a drainage block, would be his.

As he excitedly looked at the ugly masses of human feces and other unknown and unidentified objects. His dad, a usual overtly strict iyengar fellow yelled "peeyila uzhundhu vaaranumnu kanganam kattindu irukka nee!" (you are determined to fall and wrap yourself in crap).

As the young boy moved along the platform his dad caught hold of his hands tightly and yelled again "odaadha" (don't run), suddenly his eyes shifted to the other side of the road where he found another young boy, though much older than himself, devouring a packet of 'biscuit thool', something that he was denied moments ago before he left the house because he was about to visit the doctor. Biscuit thool is nothing but left over crumbles of biscuit, cake and cream in a bakery that is packed and was sold for less than Rs. 2 in those days.

The boy looked at the other kid, his legs were thin like as if the entire life juice had been sucked out of it with a straw, by the Devil. He had polio. The young boy smiled and said "nondi" (lame) and before he could realize "THHWAACK!" came a blow on his head.

Before he could lift his hand to rub his head that hurt if had been smashed with a rock, his dad retorted. "Nee maththrum enna?" (what are you?)

That moment, it dawned upon him, he was different.

An Autobiography on short stories...

I've been watching a long lost friend of mine from my previous workplace on facebook from the recent past. It's been such a pleasure and awesome experience looking at someones life through images from 1000's of kilometres away.

Combing that thought with the fact that i now have a post arthritic condition and the quality of my life and the certainty of being independent is at great risk i felt that i should document my life more effectively. I don't really know why, perhaps im every bit of that attention freak or perhaps i want to leave my mark and i realize i haven't really made much difference till date.

Starting today, i will try and post atleast one short story every week or more than one. This will be either from a first person point of view or from a author's narrative point of view. I'm not really aiming for factual accuracy here much but i hope im correct on the incidents by atleast 90% of the time. What i attempt to do here will be to recollect snapshots of my childhood, from the earliest known times that i remember myself as an existing individual on planet earth and then go on with short stories and incidents and events in my life.

I will post these under the title #5, Sankara Madam St., which is the address of my old house, where i grew up and lived till about 21.

All person's, events and facts gathered under this posting label are true and accurate to the best of my knowledge. Names shall not be changed, events shall not be toned down or pepped up to either sound acceptable.

So without further adieu, the first chapter will be up tomorrow. As for the intro, watch out for the next post.

Everybody's Darling

That's precisely what she is. I don't think i can put it in more simpler terminology than that. I specifically shot this image with the title in mind. Some of her relatives were cherishing her surprise visit for her sisters wedding engagement and there was so much fun.

Raji

Oh well, it seems like some sort of friendship week this week since im posting all portraits of close friends. So here is another master blaster. Raji is Sharada's sister. Ever since Sharada has been to the UK and i have no accomplice for the usual criminal activities i indulge in, to share the guilt, Raji has saved me every other time from falling into the evil hands of goodness and becoming one of those useless, good for nothing nice guys.

Official companion for pointlessly roaming around the city on my bike, official liquor advisor whom i credit with for my heavenly vodka fanaticism, official victim whom i snatch all that calvin and hobbes books from without a zilch of guilt or shame, official complaint cell whom i call amidst her board meeting and crib the hell out when i have a bad day at work or get into unimaginable stuff that cannot be mentioned on flickr since i need to protect my intellectual criminal ideas, etc.,

This image was shot on the day before her wedding engagement when we were having a henna ceremony at home. The look on her face is the brink of the thin red line called patience. She has never kept the henna for anything more than 20 minutes in her life, today she had to keep it for close to four hours.

The Story of his Best Friend

The Indian System of Stereo-typing teaches you ridiculous things which sometimes may lead to horrible consequences like missing out some of the most charismatic experiences in life. Fresh out of college, waiting to break the bubble into the BPO industry one young fellow joined a small time call center and was put through the American Accent Training.

Quickly making use of the opportunity the young man made friends with many of the fellows and a few of the women. Then there was this loud girl who wore a pretty decent shirt and a skirt and was well dressed and seemed to be from a rich off background. As fate would have it, the young man was brainwashed that skirts and fashionable formal shirts are worn by rich arrogant bastards and they are just not worth getting to know.

The young man kept his distance and felt safe and happy amidst his custody of normal friends while his batch of colleagues at work were split into two, Batch 35A and batch 35B.
The Young man was safe in A and was trained in the first floor while the rich girl went to B and was trained in the second floor. Ill luck had it that after we graduated our American accent training batch A and B would be merged and they would all be trained together on the product and American culture.

The young mans 14 days of fun came to an end as the batches merged, the young man still kept his distance and felt content with what he had.

One fine evening post work he found his friend Neil talking to this same very arrogant rich girl whom was not to be trusted but ridiculously Neil yells out as the young man tried to slip by "Yo gates" (the young man's American name was Michael Gates) "come over here dog, this is Stacy Colin" and the young man with fear blurted a feeble "hey" and the rich arrogant woman contrary to the expectations happened to respond....

"thaaa chee, kasmaalam. gates'u boot'su... ozhunga peri solli thola da paavi"
English Translation: you useless fellow why the hell call yourself gates and boots... what's the real name you sinner.... (of course in a very very slang accent and the most lo-fi mannerism for a woman on planet earth ever!)

The young man's heart fluttered with joy "this ugly thing croaks from the same stinking swamp that I come from" and before the young man could respond the lady dragged him by the shirt collar and yelled "i'm too hungry and i need something to eat, take me to some stupid food joint". We went out as a gang of 14, i think and we counted the coins in our wallet and brought one Mini Idly at Adayar Sangeetha and shared it amongst ourselves.

Sharada was neither rich, nor arrogant. In fact she really in reality is just a kick ass clown. She can make anyone laugh at any given point in time at any place. She was just as bloody broke a stingy average middle class beggar like most of us Desi's and happens to have a good sense of fashionable dressing.

Ever since ever speck of laughter, every drop of tear, every sprinkle of joy and every dew of depression was shared between the this young man and the woman and she got to be his best friend for life. Time took them apart, he moved Bangalore job hopping, her overtly smart brains got her a 12000 pound Chevening scholarship from the British government and took her to Oxford for her masters.

A few weeks ago one fine, morning the young man got a call from her sisters mobile in the wee hours of the morning while he was fast asleep, something like 9.45 AM. He picked up the phone and he hears a familiar voice yell "dei naan vandhutten daa", yaarunnu recognize panna mudiyaradhaa?" (dude im here, can you recognize who this is?).
Years of distance and mountain loads of fun that was devoid to them resumes for the next 2 weeks while she is here for her sisters engagement.

That is the Story of how Dilip got his best friend Sharada, and where it lies in the present day.

Meat Stuff...

The following Conversation took place over SMS, 3 minutes ago! I still have not got up ROFL... damn.. sometimes, predictive text kicks ass on mobile phones..

Friend: Hey, remember that boy who came to see me last weekend, i've said yes to him. Just waiting for him to reply.
Me: Oh, Meat Stuff (yikes!)
Me: Neat Stuff, i meant.....

hears a grr at a distant direction, switches of cell phone and hides behind blanket and tries to sleep it off.....

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I can relate to this feeling of friendship and when truck loads of love is poured on you and the excitement of just being loved knows no bounds. I feel this today. My best friend who now lives in the UK suddenly calls today morning while i was fast asleep. It's a surprise visit for attending her sisters engagement, who again is a killer of a friend.

I see happy times ahead, at east for the next 2 weeks while she is here. There is nothing like having your best friend around. You never get to realize how much of bloody fun you have been missing unless you get a taste of it again.

These guys were sheer fun with Shan during the henna evening. I reserved this picture for later but then i decided i must celebrate the uncontrollable amounts of sheer joy that shoots through my brains today.

Laal Bindi

Shan ain't Single anymore, sorry guys. I know i broke your hearts, i can see broken hearts floating on the marina sea shore as i drove home today. But hey, that does not mean its all that bad. I was shooting exclusively for her wedding engagement today and of course yesterday for the Henna Ceremony at her house.

The forthcoming series will be from this set, i finally have some work with my macro lens after 2 long years of it collecting dust in my camera bag.

The Bindi or the "pottu" as it is called in tamil is a critical decorative element of the indian woman. I decided to get a close up of the bindi shan had while the women drew arabic designs on her hand with henna (marudhaani).

Canon EOS 400D with the Canon EF 100MM F/2.8 Macro USM. Aperture Priority, F/4 at 1/200th of a Second, ISO100, Canon Speedlite 430EX fired and bounced off with a diffuser, Manual 1/1, Tripod.

Painless...

2 large vodka's in the head, an enya love song in the ears... small specks of happiness life has to offer, priceless!

Words of Wisdom - #1

Dilip says "the day nobody honks like they're cumming at the speed of light when the traffic signal counts under 12 for green, that day india is civilized."

Daksha Rocks!

All this day i've been running around pulling daksha's legs like mad for her addiction for flower photography. Chintha Poovu and Bentha Poovu were keywords. I come home and she messages me...

Daksha: Hey What flower do you like?
Me: Chintha Poovu
Daksha: Idiot *%$#@^

Moving On..

More blasts, more people killed, more rubbish useless statements that aren't worth a paisa from our world class politicians and leaders. We still move on after burning/cremating our dead and yelling a few words in pain, shedding a few tears in despair and accept the fact of the matter that this is India and our lives are cheaper than a white man or black man elsewhere. No racism here, honestly.

When a Caucasian woman can complain “suspecting people taking inappropriate pictures” of her, when the bitch ventured out at 2 AM in the morning with two complete strangers in an alien country that she stepped into 15 hours ago (despite her husband’s orders to the driver to drop her in the hotel room, which she promptly ignored by skipping the driver and her own car) and the cops closing down every pub in town at 10 PM and frisking every brown man and woman on the road, even the innocent everyday call center job guy/girl driving to work with his/her company badge/ID.

What makes this brown man’s life negotiable? Is it because we are brown, dear government of India or is it because we spend in rupees when you could expect dollars and pounds? The white man left in 1947 or rather we chased him out! I wonder why we are continuously trying to kiss his ass, still?

What I would like to know is does India have an “Intelligence” department? If we do are they doing something or are they still jerking off to kinky DVD’s in front of their computers? Why am I getting the feeling that this is total intelligence failure or maybe lack of intelligence?

I now start getting forwarded SMS about some bomb alert in Chennai tomorrow and to avoid public places where there is a lot of crowd. Do people even know what they are talking about? Do you know that you are talking about a country like India where tailgating and sometimes bruising the bumper of the vehicle in the front is normally the accepted way of driving? Do you even remember how people come and beg you to “adjust” with an unreserved ticket in a reserved train compartment, when there are already 5 seated in a seat for 3?

There is no such thing called “not crowded” places in India. Oh wait! There are family planning hospitals and corporation public schools. It’s always empty and we never go there, not even take shelter when it’s raining like cats and dogs. I guess all of us are safe there. I guess we finally found some use for these places, our crores of rupees blown and completely safe and inhabited bomb shelters!!!

Truth about creationism

I now have a valid excuse why I don't believe in creationism. I'm worried about the size of my penis. Look at this bloody image....

Every image of a man reaching out to god, they either have a small dick or in this case, almost no dick at all! I don't care if I go to hell, but as long as im alive im gonna have a normal penis and there is no one getting in between me and my tool. Not even god!

del.icio.us Tags: The Creation,Michaelangelo,image,god,penis,joke,humour,religion,personal

Status Messages that will really work.

Sometimes its annoying despite what you put on your IM status message people ping you for all sort of things. Here are some status messages that may really work... (i guess)

1. Busy watching porn, do not disturb (gentlemen, please don't complain if your buddies want a copy of it)
2. Talking with my ex-GF/BF, not in a good mood (this is almost a sure fire, unless your ex see's it)
3. Gotta use the restroom, thanks to my constipation (don't be sorry if people ask you what you ate!)
4. Would you go to bed with me? Ping if its a 'yes'! (you're in deep shit if the yes comes from the person of the same gender)
5. Practicing my swearing capabilities today, ping to assist. (don't complain if someone wants to compete)
6. I'm an atheist, that means you are wrong (better than the others, this may do it, but then....)
7. I can't believe what I'm seeing, can a penis cut hair? (Dave Chapelle may agree)
8. Today's topic, Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage. (Indian people have done much of this shit)
9. If you're single, I'm ready to mingle (definitely will scare all the hot women, but the ugly bitches will talk. now gentlemen, on 2nd thoughts do we really want this?)
10. I'm getting married to a rich, bald NRI! (All the hot tambram gals can use this and get away with 99.9% success rate, it's useless hitting on you once you start thinking of a bald NRI, seriously!)

That's all i can think of now. Let me know if you have got better ideas. We may get this on the wikipedia and copyright this shit for royalty or something. Oh, while you are here, please click on some awful Google ads because that will bring me $$$$$.

del.icio.us Tags: blog,ranting,idea,humour,daily life,innovation

Destination Unknown

Planet X you are the real truth
Planet X you are lovely too
Planet X we are a new race
Inhabiting you with a lot of haste
After all of earth we had to waste.

Planet X the crystal maze
A brilliant gem in the sea of space
Now bound for the human race
Destruction swift, so much pace
From after earth’s disgrace

Planet X our plant and trees will take root
Our animals and bird’s you will give food
Give us shelter, livelihood
Make us feel nice and good.

Planet X you are just a means
You come to us only in dreams
We really don’t know to find you where
After all we did to earth was much unfair

Killing the blissful, fine and rare
And now we long form you is your share
Your absence will mean more despair
Planet X, will you be there?

del.icio.us Tags: poem,art,poetry,Destination Unknown,self,creation,experiment in art

When I really don't mind being a monkey...

Need I say more. Like in Tamil they say "vaazhvu than". Sometimes it feels so lame we outgrew being a monkey. Particularly when you see graphically violent images such as these...

When NO becomes scarce

I'm seriously wondering, when on earth did the word "NO" become a luxury to be used so scarcely? Off late i find people using this very less. Maybe its just me or maybe its the norm or maybe in not in sync with times but this is what is happening.

You walk up to a friend, you scrap em on orkut or send a msg and ask them if they would care to join you out on a weekend plan or a simply day hanging out to kill boredom and the response you get is unbelievable.

I know that a "NO" or a "No Thanks" is a perfect response for every simple situation regardless of the person, place and time involved in any situation. Yet what you get is a direct insult like a "poda vennai", "onakku vera velaye illaya?" or rude upper case shouting to state a simple negative response such as a no. I wonder what part of me is that makes them feel im so cheap enough to take this kind of a treatment.

The fact in reality however is that i take this treatment and pretend as if nothing happens. Often the lame excuse is that i say "people always need a second chance" but truth is i need an excuse. You have to draw a line, if you get rid of every one around you because they don't respond to you like you expect them to then loneliness is the only company you can have.

Isolation is a heaven to visit and a hell to stay.

How to grow a dick!

Its true, some men need to know this. Especially there is one at my workplace that really does not have a dick. Trying to spread my blog to all Christians at work and make me look like a Anti Christian communal freak, it is just not freaking working isn't it?

Yes, go on read. Its about you. I know that you are reading it you loser, read on.

Firstly get some brains up your head, i mean incompetence is not something permanent. However for people who gave up on learning it is a big issue. Maybe sometime around you may really want to know how things work with the work you do at work. (If at all you do any work apart from downloading crap and playing games) Technology is a great thing, it gives us all our pay check, including yours although you know shit about it. Unlike your rich ass who can have access to a variety of things at your snap of the finger people here worked real hard in life to get to where they are. If you don't want to improve i suggest you quit and stop being a problem to yourself and everyone around you. It saves a lot of trouble.

Secondly don't dig my nose. You got better things to do. Just like you have your friends or so called spies who tell you other peoples personal stuff i have friends who tell me your personal stuff too. Its not a one way traffic and you need to understand it. If i start talking about your personal life things are gonna get really haywire and you would look like a moron. I'm not doing that because i cannot get that downright dirty and indecent as you can get with me and other people here at work.

Thirdly, mind your own business. Do your work, you are paid to do it. You are not an investigator who is here to analyse who is effective and ineffective at work. If i start doing that to you, you may well be walking out the door in no time.

Fourthly, learn about competition. Its always there in any work environment. A healthy competition is necessary, if you cannot compete professionally don't get personal and try pull people down with their personal lives. Its like the indian crab story. Dont be so cheap.

Fifthly, (i hate to say this part) you have no clue about my personal life. Some of my closest friends are christians. I grew up in an anglo indian part of the city and all of my child hood friends were anglo indians and even today many of them are. Sure a sunni muslim can't be an Anglo Indian, so they sure are Christians. My personal beliefs against conversion are PERSONAL to me and nothing to do with you. I'm against ILLEGAL and UNETHICAL conversions, not against conversion on the whole. Stop spreading rumours and creating an illusion. I was taught by Anglo Indian teachers in an Anglo Indian school. I was a bible scholar in my school days and i have a leather bound bible with pages written in silver gifted by my school principal who was a priest. I sang for the St. Lourdes church choir as a main voice for 11 years and i have more love and background for Christianity than what your feeble brain that has lesser common sense than that of a garden squirrel has. I don't claim to know all about Christianity, but im sure not blabbering my way to garbage. What i write is from my personal experience and its none of your business.

Sixthly, thanks for spreading my blog around the work place giving me the unnecessary lime light and publicity but i say "thanks but no thanks". I don't hire cheap asses like you for my PR campaign. I have enough friends reading my blog who discuss and share their views on my take on subjects i blog so keep you precious time to fixing your personal life and not trying to mess with mine.

On the whole im simply saying "Grow a dick and fuck off", thats precisely your problem. Had you had a few inches under your pants your personal life would not be such a mess that you are jobless and desperate enough to mess with my professional life using extracts of my personal life.

Great, now that you would have read this and so your friends whom you have spread this blog to i hope people get a clear picture of what the truth is and what i stand for. Hopefully you may change (not that you have in the years you have been around) or if you don't at least you would stop picking on me.

A final word of wisdom for you, never mistake patience for weakness. The British did Gandhi and they did not get anywhere with it. I hope you get the point, loser!